MISSING MY GIRLS

Tonight Mark brought the girls up to see me. They haven't been here since Monday because Haelyn got a yucky 12 hour tummy bug. Mark decided to keep all bugs and germs away from my incubator hospital room. Anyway, they came in with their happy faces and told me about all of their daily happenings. While I ate dinner they drew me a few pictures, and then crawled up in bed with me to read a book. When they left I cried. Why did I cry? Because I miss them. I miss so many things about them. I know what I'm doing is so very important, but it doesn't make me miss my girls any less.

I miss...

• their laughter
• their crying and wiping those croc tears
• the way they run to me when they get hurt 
• their made up songs
• the way they dance and clap
• their mischief
• Hope playing with my hair
• reading them the same book 100 times
• changing diapers (BIG NEWS: I'll only have one baby to do that with when I'm out of this joint. Mark my superhero husband decided to potty train Hope. Oh. Yes. He. Did.)
• wiping hineys
• combing hair
• the smell of their de-tangler and leave in conditioner
• giving baths
• putting lotion on soft little arms and legs
• disciplining
• making them meals and snacks 
• watching them chew
• cleaning up spilled food/drink and crumbs
• taking their picture
• their funny faces
• doing puzzles
• playing dolls 
• playing beauty shop
• playing birthday party
• painting their toenails
• fits...yes, fits
• holding them
• picking them up when they are tired and feeling their little heads on my shoulder
• watching them play on playgrounds
• pushing them on the swing
• watching them run
• breaking up sister fights
• finding stickers in weird places
• the clank of my heels they steal and wear to play "mommy"
• vacuuming up small toys that hide in the carpet
• building "tall towers" with them
• watching them play in the mud at the end of our driveway
• swimming with them
• watering my plants with them
• tucking them in
• singing them songs
• fetching water and blankies and dollies before bedtime
• turning their fan on
• turning their night light on
• checking their teeth after they brush
• waking up to them climbing in bed with me
• feet in my neck at 4am...yep, even this
• making their beds they only sleep half the night in
• their sleepy morning faces
• buckling them into their car seats
• taking them places
• buying them treats
• shopping with them
• putting shoes on their cute little feetsies
• being asked the same question over and over
• listening to kids music in the car
• having a house that has exploded with toys and dress up clothes
• tripping on said toys
• playdough, paint and art time messes
• washing, folding and ironing (don't ask) their clothes
• looking for stuff they have "misplaced"
• being told "no"...I know, it's weird.
• hearing them say "I love you" randomly throughout the day
• their hugs and sloppy kisses

I'm envious of anyone who gets to do those things with or for my girls right now. I know the day will come when we are back at home and back to "normal", but now I know how to truly cherish each and every moment with my kids. Even the moments when you feel like ripping your hair out. 

NO OTHER WAY TO BE

I have had so many people amazed that I am still positive after all these weeks. They are impressed I'm not bored to death or going crazy. The doctor who was here the night I was admitted and has watched my entire journey told my nurse today that I had an "uplifting spirit". He said, "I've never had a patient on bed rest this long be so positive". I'm touched by these words today as I look 31 weeks in the face. I knew when this journey began that I would need to be sound. Sound in mind, sound in body and sound in soul. All of those work together. I could not sacrifice one for the other. Thank you so very much Dr. Kingsley, but I'm just doing what I NEED to do. I need to do this for my husband and his son. I need to do this for my daughters and their brother. I need to do this for our parents and their first grandson. I need to do this for our siblings and their nephew. Ultimately, I need to do this for my baby boy.

Now, don't be fooled. I have had two very hard mental days since I've been here. Two out of 39 days is pretty good. I'm sure there will be others. Thank goodness I have quite the village to turn to when I'm feeling emotional. I can't thank my God, family and friends enough. God has really been working me over while I've rested in solitude with him for hours and days. I will be forever changed in many ways by this experience.