MISSING MY GIRLS

Tonight Mark brought the girls up to see me. They haven't been here since Monday because Haelyn got a yucky 12 hour tummy bug. Mark decided to keep all bugs and germs away from my incubator hospital room. Anyway, they came in with their happy faces and told me about all of their daily happenings. While I ate dinner they drew me a few pictures, and then crawled up in bed with me to read a book. When they left I cried. Why did I cry? Because I miss them. I miss so many things about them. I know what I'm doing is so very important, but it doesn't make me miss my girls any less.

I miss...

• their laughter
• their crying and wiping those croc tears
• the way they run to me when they get hurt 
• their made up songs
• the way they dance and clap
• their mischief
• Hope playing with my hair
• reading them the same book 100 times
• changing diapers (BIG NEWS: I'll only have one baby to do that with when I'm out of this joint. Mark my superhero husband decided to potty train Hope. Oh. Yes. He. Did.)
• wiping hineys
• combing hair
• the smell of their de-tangler and leave in conditioner
• giving baths
• putting lotion on soft little arms and legs
• disciplining
• making them meals and snacks 
• watching them chew
• cleaning up spilled food/drink and crumbs
• taking their picture
• their funny faces
• doing puzzles
• playing dolls 
• playing beauty shop
• playing birthday party
• painting their toenails
• fits...yes, fits
• holding them
• picking them up when they are tired and feeling their little heads on my shoulder
• watching them play on playgrounds
• pushing them on the swing
• watching them run
• breaking up sister fights
• finding stickers in weird places
• the clank of my heels they steal and wear to play "mommy"
• vacuuming up small toys that hide in the carpet
• building "tall towers" with them
• watching them play in the mud at the end of our driveway
• swimming with them
• watering my plants with them
• tucking them in
• singing them songs
• fetching water and blankies and dollies before bedtime
• turning their fan on
• turning their night light on
• checking their teeth after they brush
• waking up to them climbing in bed with me
• feet in my neck at 4am...yep, even this
• making their beds they only sleep half the night in
• their sleepy morning faces
• buckling them into their car seats
• taking them places
• buying them treats
• shopping with them
• putting shoes on their cute little feetsies
• being asked the same question over and over
• listening to kids music in the car
• having a house that has exploded with toys and dress up clothes
• tripping on said toys
• playdough, paint and art time messes
• washing, folding and ironing (don't ask) their clothes
• looking for stuff they have "misplaced"
• being told "no"...I know, it's weird.
• hearing them say "I love you" randomly throughout the day
• their hugs and sloppy kisses

I'm envious of anyone who gets to do those things with or for my girls right now. I know the day will come when we are back at home and back to "normal", but now I know how to truly cherish each and every moment with my kids. Even the moments when you feel like ripping your hair out. 

NO OTHER WAY TO BE

I have had so many people amazed that I am still positive after all these weeks. They are impressed I'm not bored to death or going crazy. The doctor who was here the night I was admitted and has watched my entire journey told my nurse today that I had an "uplifting spirit". He said, "I've never had a patient on bed rest this long be so positive". I'm touched by these words today as I look 31 weeks in the face. I knew when this journey began that I would need to be sound. Sound in mind, sound in body and sound in soul. All of those work together. I could not sacrifice one for the other. Thank you so very much Dr. Kingsley, but I'm just doing what I NEED to do. I need to do this for my husband and his son. I need to do this for my daughters and their brother. I need to do this for our parents and their first grandson. I need to do this for our siblings and their nephew. Ultimately, I need to do this for my baby boy.

Now, don't be fooled. I have had two very hard mental days since I've been here. Two out of 39 days is pretty good. I'm sure there will be others. Thank goodness I have quite the village to turn to when I'm feeling emotional. I can't thank my God, family and friends enough. God has really been working me over while I've rested in solitude with him for hours and days. I will be forever changed in many ways by this experience.

THE NEW "NORMAL"

So after the "25 week terror" docs monitored and assessed my situation hour by hour.  They told me after 72 hours of no bleeding they would give me a plan. The plan is for me to stay here in the hospital until at least 32 weeks or until I deliver. I'm on week 3 of being here. I'm on complete bed rest. Meaning, for me, I can get up to use the restroom, I can take a 10 minute shower, and I can go on a 20 minute wheelchair ride. I also have to spend more time lying down than sitting. It's too risky for doctors to send me home at this point after having such a big/bad episode. Receiving two blood transfusions is usually a sure sign that you will become acquainted with all hospital staff before you deliver. Even if I was released they would ask me to be somewhere close to emergency medical care and home health would come to me. There really hasn't been too much talk about that at this point. If I can make it into the 30's everyone will breath a little easier. Even Hunter. 

So far it hasn't been boring. I know that's the first thing everyone thinks "oh how boring". What I have realized is that this is the most down time I've had in 4 years and may be the last down time I have for the next 18 years. My desire to be up and about is kept at bay with the understanding that I am doing this for a bigger purpose. I am doing this to save my son's life. I'm doing this to save my own life. That may not be the case for every bed rest patient. I had a nurse explain it to me that way, and I decided to embrace what I'm doing. I have to take deep breaths when I feel cooped up, and I look at all positives first. When people ask how I'm doing I tell them I'm doing good. Considering where I was 3 weeks ago I am doing great! Sure there are things I could tell them to make them feel sorry for my situation, but mind over matter. Have I been better, yes. Would I prefer to be at home with my family having a normal pregnancy, yes. But dwelling on those things won't heal me. Generally speaking, I am doing good and that's my story.

I have watched a lot of HGTV and really insane "reality" shows. I have watched my favorite channel from when we had cable, TBS. Mark and I finished Season 5 of Breaking Bad and the latest season of Parenthood. We also keep up with our all time favorite Big Brother. I've read to completion 2 books and 2 magazines. I've done a little bit of computer work, and of course I don't miss a beat on Facebook or Instagram. I decided right now is not the time to take a break from social media.  I can do that when little man arrives. ;) I also spend a lot of time in meditation and prayer. Spending time praying for others, our family and praising an almighty God has kept me in a good mental state. 

I am usually awakened a lot in the night for vitals, IV flushes, and blood work. So, as you can imagine I don't sleep very well at night. I thought maybe it would help if I did't sleep during the day, but the nurses have all advised me to just sleep when I'm tired because you never know when you're going to need those extra hours of rest. So I do. I nap for 30 minutes to an hour or so in the day. They bring me breakfast, lunch and dinner. Terrible terrible food for anyone trying to recover from anything. It's all carbs, sugar and questionable meat. Mark has been supplementing me with a stash from WholeFoods and Central Market. They also bring by a "healthy" snack of chips and rice krispy treats about an hour before dinner. My oh my. Really though that's the ONLY thing I can complain about. This place is incredible.  

The nurses put baby boy on the monitor for an hour a day to monitor his heart rate and they also monitor me for signs of labor. I have had one or two contractions in 20 days and both were due to a full bladder. Nothing to worry about at all. Little man kind of hates the belly bands and monitoring. When they go on he decides to hide from the machine, box the bands or play kickball. He is definitely an active boy. On Thursdays I see the Perinatologist. She does a sono to check his growth and check the Placenta Previa for placement and signs of bleeding. All three of those appointments have been great news about Hunter. Little man is growing big and strong! Unfortunately, the placenta is still right above the cervix. There have been no signs of positive movement. It will likely stay right where it is. Keeping me a high risk patient. BUT she hasn't seen any signs of bleeding the past couple of appointments. With Placenta Previa that could change at any second, but so far so good.

So what is my body going through in such a sedentary state? Well, my legs get sore and I have to use the muscle compressors to stimulate blood flow. Some people hate them, but I like them. They feel like a good leg massage to me. I make sure to turn over a lot and not spend too much time on one side. I don't have bed sores. I get up enough and move enough right now that those have been prevented. My skin is dryer and it seems like my hair is shedding more. All very typical to bed rest. Even though I'm not really doing any physical activity I am still hungry every thirty minutes. The crazy hunger reminds me that even though I'm down I'm still growing a baby!

As for my precious family, they are here Arlington with me. The girls are staying at Mark's parents house. They only live about 10 minutes from here. Mark spends his day coordinating with his Mom and Dad so that he can work and someone can be with them at all times. He takes the girls to the park, he takes them swimming, he feeds them lunch, he goes to meetings and does computer work, he gets them down for a nap, he dresses them and bathes them, he does their hair, etc. He usually brings them to see me once a day. After he gets them down for bed he comes back up here and spends the night with me but wakes early to be back so he can make the girls breakfast. HE IS SUPER DAD!! He's the glue holding all of us together right now. I mean not only does he have the stress of his wife and unborn son in the hospital, but he has work and FULL parental duties. All girls need to find a man who would do what he is doing if you were ever in my situation. God has shown me favor, and I am honored to be married to such a strong leader and man.

I also can’t say enough about the support we are getting from our parents. My parents came and kept the girls for the first week since we had no idea what the future held. It helped us wrap our minds around this journey and get some things sorted out. Mark’s parents have taken us in and have been the day to day support we need. I can only hope to parent my kids the way ours have parented us. We honestly don’t know how this would work without them. I praise God for them everyday. 

TWENTY FIVE WEEK TERROR

You may have read the post about Placenta Previa and all the risk factors. Well, until August 8th I knew these things but had no idea what I was facing. Some people have a previa diagnosis and it resolves. Others, like myself, have a previa diagnosis that just seems to get worse. After my 23 week appointment I learned that the placenta had not moved and the likelihood of it moving at this point wasn't good. However, the specialist only gave me a few restrictions; pelvic rest, no heavy lifting and limited physical activity. So, I went about my merry way in life. I still did a lot, but I listened to the doc too (except for the very occasional picking up a 2 year old).

To end our summer of fun we traveled to Bracketville, TX to visit Mark's Grandad. We had a great time being with some of the Rogers family. The girls had lots of fun swimming and riding the golf cart. After Bracketville we made a trip to Arlington so that Mark could work and the girls and I could have some more quality time with Jeff and Allison (who were visiting from NYC). The girls only get to see them a couple of times a year so we soak up every minute we can with them. Anyway, we arrived in Arlington on a Tuesday and had a relaxing evening. Wednesday was the planned day of fun. Yummy desserts were made and swim bags were packed to go over to a cookout at Allison's parents house. We went, we ate, we swam, we had a great time. That night after getting the girls to bed I watched some funny shows with Mark's Dad and then went to bed around midnight.

I slept until about 1am when I was awakened by a sensation to use the restroom. Much to my alarm it wasn't the right sensation, I was actually bleeding. I immediately woke Mark up and said, "Mark, wake up, I'm bleeding." He jumped up but thought it was going to be a similar to a small bleed incident I had at 21 weeks. He got up and followed me to the bathroom where we quickly realized this was much much much worse than what we had experienced at 21 weeks. As I instinctively decided to lay in the tub, he called our doc in Abilene. Dr. T told us to meet him at the ER, thinking we were still in Abilene. We weren't, we were in Arlington. He said, "get her to an ER." At that point I was starting to feel like I was going into shock. Everything was in slow motion, and I felt like I was worlds behind everyone around me. Mark decided it would be better to just call 911. I couldn't stop being scared that my girls would see the horrible scene. I just knew the ambulance and fire truck would wake them up. I was actually more worried about them than I was about me at that point. Why, you ask? Well, I could feel Hunter moving and I wasn't having contractions so I knew I wasn't in labor. I knew what was happening wasn't good, but feeling my little guy move gave me some teeny tiny comfort. So, I went to the next thing on my worry list and started worrying about the girls. Four EMT's and an ambulance ride later I was being admitted to Medical Center Arlington.

I stayed in the ER where they worked to stabilize me and get me hooked up with IV sites. They also prepped me for a 25 week c-section delivery. The OB Hospitalist  came in and told me I would probably deliver and gave me all the risks and information. We were speechless. Who in a million years after two almost perfect to term vaginal deliveries imagines themselves in this situation? No. One. Right before they moved me to Labor and Delivery they gave me a steroid shot. The shot was not for me. The shot was for my 25 week old baby's lungs. His little lungs that don't know what to do out of a Mommy's tummy.  After about 4 nurses tried and finally got an IV site they started to transport me. When I got to L&D a team of nurses got me hooked up to Magnesium Sulfate. Again, not for me. It was for my tiny baby boy's brain...to prevent bleeds after being delivered at 25 weeks. By this time it was about 3:20 am. I had been bleeding for almost 2 hours. That's not good. So the talks of a blood transfusion started. I'm really not sure what time it was or what really happened after the Magnesium Sulfate started but we waited in the wings of delivering our little boy for quite a few hours. At some point I stabilized and they stopped the talk of emergency c-section, at least for the moment. The next day was filled with high risk doctors, Neonatologists, OB's, Nurses and Perinatologists coming to give me info and ask me lots of questions. It was insanity. A good long 24 hours I never want to relive and wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (which happens to be Mylie Cyrus right now).

So there's all the terrible stuff about the story, but there were A LOT of blessings too. I'll list some of them...
1) We were in DFW...Abilene can't take a baby under 30 weeks in the NICU so IF I had delivered there my baby boy would have been transported here.
2) We were only 10ish minutes from a great hospital
3) My girls NEVER woke up to all the commotion. Did I mention we were all sleeping in the same room? Yep, we were. Angels surrounded their little sleeping bodies and kept them sleeping until morning.
4) We were in Arlington with Mark on a work trip, and I wasn't at home alone. Mark travels a lot and it's not standard for us to go with him. I can't even wrap my mind around this event happening had I been alone with the girls in Abilene.
5) Jeff and Allison were in town and dropped a lot of plans to help us out and take care of our girls.
6) My OB in Abilene prayed with Mark on the phone as he waited for the ambulance
7) The bleeding stopped and I stabilized
8) Hunter is happy and healthy in his womb. He is growing strong and endured no trauma or stress from the blood loss. He is perfect.
9) Hunter got some steroids for his lungs and some Magnesium Sulfate for his brain
10) We have families that will do anything for us.
11) We have been COVERED in prayer, gift baskets, food, visits, and cards. People love to help others in need and in this season we have a lot of need. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to those who have supported us and lifted us up.

CAN'T SLEEP

So.....I can't sleep. I have an appointment in the morning with the Perinatologist to check the status of the Placenta Previa. I so badly want it to be resolved. I pray everything with baby Hunter looks great. I have unwavering faith that God will protect. I'm still a wreck though. So I guess some would say that's wavering. Bleh on some. Growing babies is quite an undertaking and such a feeling of responsibility. Even when things are out if your hands you feel responsible.

Thank goodness my Mom is here to go with me. She and the girls will be there as we get a look on the ultrasound. Mark is traveling for work. It will be weird to do this without my rock, but I have my Mama and that's making it all better.

If you don't mind and have a space on your long list of prayers...say one for me.


Jenn Rogers

Sent from my iPhone

21 WEEKS

Jenn Rogers

Sent from my iPhone

PLACENTA PREVIA

So a lot of people ask me facts about Placenta Previa.

Here are the facts I can read about and not get too much anxiety over.

1) 1 in 200 women are diagnosed with PP
2) 90% of cases resolve before 36 weeks

Make me crazy facts
1) Bleeding is common with P (I have had one episode at 20 weeks. It totally freaked me out, but all was okay and Hunter wasn't phased a bit.)
2) If not resolved before 36 weeks a cesarian is scheduled (I haven't had one so having a c-section is scary to me)
3) Most PP patients have to be on bed rest at some point during pregnancy.

There are many many many more facts and stats but I'm pleading "ignorance is bliss" and choose not to read ALL about PP. I'm just gonna take it in stride and listen to my docs. I see the specialist next Wed the 24th. Say a little prayer for me and baby Hunter too!

Here's a little photo so you can see what exactly is going on inside a PP uterus. Don't worry. It's not MY uterus. Ewe.